10 Sep 2008
Some years ago, around 2000 I think, I got an e-mail from an American television talk show, The Maury Pauvic Show. They were, they proudly informed me, "the second highest rated day-time talk show after Oprah Winfrey" and they were looking for guests to appear on a show they were planning. The show would feature men who lived as women, and who would go on the show with their mother or sister, who would then ask Maury to give their son or brother a ’back-to-boy’ make over. (I know, it's complicated)
Well, as part-time lady, I felt I didn’t really fit the bill, and my poor flat-shoes-tweed-skirts-pillar-of-the-community mother would sooner stand up in the middle of Sunday Mass and expose her remarkable breasts to Father Shannon than appear on US TV. So apart from idly wondering where they got my e-mail address, I ignored it.
Anyway that evening I was in the pub where I bumped into my friend Katherine Lynch (back then she was only "my friend Katherine Lynch", though of course now-a-days she's the Katherine Lynch, famous comedian and singer) and in passing I told her about the funny e mail I’d gotten. And kind of joking, Katherine says “Why don’t I pretend to be your sister and we could get a free trip to New York?”. Well, after thinking for a nano second, mostly about how HIGH-larious that could be, I said “Welcome to the family Darling!”
So the next day I e-mailed them back and said that 'yes, I do live as a woman, and my sister, Katherine, has been nagging me for years to dress as a boy again, and so yes, we be delighted to be flown over to New York and put up for four days in order to appear on your show.'
And so next thing you know we’re off to New York and before we’ve even gotten to Shannon we’ve already peeing ourselves laughing. We spent the whole flight getting our stories straight. Our mother was an Aran sweater maker who was now on her third husband, a salmon farmer. We had nine brothers and sisters, six of whom worked on a local potato farm until it closed down the previous month because of the potato blight. (We figured the Americans would love a bit of the 'ould Ireland') Thanfully four of them had already found new jobs in the local Halal factory. (A bit of the new Ireland!)
When we got to New York, we headed to the production office to let them know we’d arrived, and although the original schedule said we’d be free for the first three days and we’d only have to film on the last day, they tried to get us to go out around Manhattan filming the next day, with me dressed as a woman of course. Seeing as we’d already made plans with various friends, and because we couldn’t be bothered, we refused. After all, what was the worst they could do at that stage? Send us home?
Anyway, after a fun weekend hanging out with friends, the big day arrived. In the morning they sent limos to pick us up, separate ones of course, because they wanted to keep us separated till the show so Katerine would be all the more thrilled when she finally saw me as a boy again after all these years!
At the studio I got to meet the other trannies who were appearing on this travesty. They were a mixed bunch: a couple of drags, a couple of trannies, and one other lyin cunt. I found out later he was an actor from Los Angeles, and his ‘older sister’ was a 50yr old actress too, and they really went for it, crying for the cameras and everything. Unfortunately, they were also pains in the ass. All the fun, as usual, was with the trannies who were a hoot.
Before the show we met the host himself, Maury. He’s very famous in the US and is married to a famous network news anchor called Connie Chung. Turns out he loves Ireland and he and Connie have been over to play golf and he wanted to if I knew where he could “rent a castle”. I suggested Carrickmines…
We had a picture taken together and it appeared in the National Enquirer with a caption that said, “Connie Chung doesn't have to worry about her man with these glamorous gals. Because they're guys!”
And then it was time for the show to start…..
Now remember, Katherine is not my sister, and every word out of us is a complete fabrication. Especially the stories!
Now at this stage it was time for our ’back to boy’ make-overs so we were whisked back stage to be de-feminised. And I’d like to point out at this stage that the clothes we were dressed in were chosen by the show! They seemed to think that glasses were masculine because they gave all of us glasses to wear. And check shirts featured heavily. Especially on the poor trannies who had their tits strapped down under the check shirts so they just ended up looking like a lesbian hill walking group.
The whole time this travesty was going on they were filming another episode in the studio that featured teenage tear-away girls who’d been sent off to a boot camp the previous week, and now they were back to see if it had worked. It hadn’t thank God. You could hear the producers shouting at the poor kids before they went on, so they’d be all worked up, and hopefully cry on camera. I kept slipping them cigarettes and and telling them to always remember how they’re awful parents had humiliated them on national TV. And I still get post cards from little Shaniqua. She's grown up to be such a lovely stripper.
Anyway then it was time for our big reveal!
Now I’m not going to stay here while you watch the clip. Mostly because it’s just too mortifying, but also because, it reveals a little more of me than I'm normally comfortable with. And because I'm wearing a turtle neck!
You should probably watch these clips now before they find out we were lying and take them down!